my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
