i jhust puked up my retainher.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
