SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
