Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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