Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
