Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We are all done wearing pants today
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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