You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
