how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
