I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
