I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
