super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
