this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
