Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
