whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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