I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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