It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Who died my cat blue again?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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