I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
