her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
