um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
