Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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