"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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