3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
