The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
