I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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