wrigley field is MILF paradise
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
