She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
