so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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