But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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