I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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