how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
