u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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