I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
