Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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