what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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