And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
