The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
