i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
