I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
