My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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