i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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