what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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