I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
