Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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