it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's blow job season.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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