there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
