He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
