Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
