i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
