I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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