So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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